dear_mun | Entries tagged with canon: borderlands

What is up, my followers and believers! God Queen Tyreen, coming at you, live from this...

[uselessly waves a hand at the. nothing.]

Empty white void! Fun! In a minimalist sorta way, don't you think? Really a lack of meat bicycles around here.

[COUGH]

Anyway! Hopefully some vault hunters come around to cause some havoc. With this backdrop? The blood splatters would look killer on white. In the meantime, stay tuned! We'll run by some old Let's Slays for all my favorite chosen.

handsomest_jack

What's this, I'm supposed to talk to a- a mun or something? No, hell with that. You, step aside.

RHYS.

Get out here, you ungrateful moron. Did you learn NOTHING from me? All those years you spent idolizing me - wishing you could BE me - I'd figured you'd have at least some sort of decent fashion sense by now. But that...

[He pauses, anger lightening up as he starts to laugh.]

Kiddo, seriously, what is with that ferret on your face? A moustache? I mean, hey, I guess I really shouldn't expect any better from a guy who used to tuck his tie into his pants. Speaking of which, hey! You got pinstripes on both legs now, so there's that, at least.

No, but really. Shave it off. You look like an asshole.

atlasrising

Alright. You and me need to have a talk.

I'm pretty sure you see right now that this...thing we got going here isn't going to work. You don't really know me, and I don't know a thing about you. That's no good, right? Right!

So I'm telling you right now that us doing these little games or whatever probably will end badly for the both of us. Just warning you. Since y'know, when this doesn't work out, you might be disappointed. If I were you I'd be too! So might as well stop while you're ahead.

Good luck with whatever else you're doing though! You'll need it.

ichosejack

Al-alright, I admit it-- okay? So I screwed up.

Things were going good, If I had known he was going to go psycho-killer on me, I wouldn't have done it.
Just got caught up.

...
Gahggh, I still don't like talking about it.

2hellwiththe1stlaw

[ Behold the Mighty Mechromancer, slumped over in an armchair, hair sticking up everywhere, smelling like a Rotgut Distillery and looking like someone ran her over a few times with a Bandit Truck. She lets out a groan which melts into a whimper and rubs her face with her robot hand.]

N-never...again....fuck....

dumpy

[ The mun did this out of sleep deprivation and love for this little robot, but maybe... in retrospect this may be a more permanent choice. ]

▀░▊▀▒▒▆▀▆▋▓▀▋▓▋ ▀▋▒▋▀▓▓▋▓▋ ▀▋▒▋▀▀▀░▊ ▀▆ ▀▓▀▆ ▋▆▋▓▀▋▓▋ ▀▓▋ ▀▆ ▀▆ ▀▋▓▀▒▋▓▀▓▋ ▀!!!
▀░▊▀▒▒▆▀▆▋▓▀▋▓▋ ▀▋▒▋▀▓▓▋▒▋▓▀▓▋ ▀!
▓▋ ▀▋▒▋▀▀▀░▊ ▀▆ ▀▓▀▆ ▋▆▋▓▀▋▓▋ ▀▓▋ ▀▆ ▀▆ ▀▋▓▀.....................

[ All he does is Scream. ]

handsomest_jack

Listen, sweet cheeks. I don't know what you think we're gonna accomplish together, but right now, it's looking like a whole lot of nothing.

I'm a busy man. I've got a company to run, stooges to fire-- No, really, we have this incinerator. You should see the looks on their faces...!

[He chuckles for a moment before giving an amused sigh as he winds down.]

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. You, and this idiotic little - can we even call it a “plan”? - of yours. See, this whole thing only works when you have a partner, and from where I'm standing, you look preeeetty alone to me. You're basically just talking to yourself. And they say I'm the crazy one.

Point is, I don't have time to listen to your “forever alone” whining all day. Somebody call the whaaambulance, am I right?

lastluckybullet

Look who's back~

What can I say, mun, if you're finally up for the challenge I'm ready to catch a ride with you.
Wherever you take me, make sure it's an interesting place.

emperorjackass

....You're kidding - y-you're kidding me right now, right? Please, tell me that you're pulling my leg. What's next; you gonna pull out a whoopie cushion, or the old "dead intern in the closet" trick?

[Jack laughs at his own joke.... if it's a joke, anyways.]

Listen, kiddo - and you are kiddo. That's my thing. Anyway, unless you're really sure about this, you might as well just back out right now. Come on kid, now or never. Just, walk away...

[.....No dice. With an affirming nod, Jack clapped his hands together.]

Okay. You're stubborn, that's good. Means when some hotshot fake hero-type comes breathing down my neck, I can direct them to my new... business partner? Sure, we'll... we'll go with that. [A chuckle.] Oh, don't worry your pretty little head about it. You're gonna love working with a legend.

shiniestmeatbicycle

[You can do this. Okay? Just tell her that you're grateful. Thank her. She's giving us a chance, and that's pretty huge. C'mon. Say it.]

MmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnHHHHHHH-!

[That's it, nice and easy, just open your mouth and use your words....]

THIS VISCERA IS SHINIER THAN MY NEW TEAKETTLES! WOULD YOU LIKE A BISCUIT?

[...Oh my god. No. Try again. THANK. HER. FOR. PUTTING. UP. WITH. US.]

CHAIRS! CHAIRS! CHAIRS! CHAIRS! CHAIRS!

[You know what, never mind, she'll figure it out.]

promotional

Hey, hey, hey. Let's slow down for a second here. See, I like you. You seem... fun. Spunky. But let's take a peek at the facts and consider this. Am I really the man you want to play?

Now, you may be asking yourself, 'Hey, Rhys, why are you questioning this new and exciting opportunity?' Well, player, that's because of a little thing I like to call... synergy. The question is: can we synergize? What's the chemistry? Are we after the same things? After peeking at your recent search history-- by the way, these dinosaur browsers you use are real cute-- I'm not so sure. I'm trying to find a way out of this horrible, unending Hell my life's become, right? And you-- you seem to enjoy it. There's a problem there. Conflict of interests.

[Nah, that can be worked around. Surely Rhys is happy with some of his player's choices in the game, right!]

Yeah, no. That last one? Right at the end of episode two? Yeah, thanks a whole lot for that. I'm positive I'll never regret that. Ever. It's great.

[HUM. That sounds like sarcasm, mister.]

Ha... ha. Really? And about this 'game' thing--

[That's enough outta him for now.]

torestoreorder

Aw, c'mon, really? Did you have to give me these keywords?

Though, heh, I'll admit some of them are pretty freakin' hilarious. The taco bell and strippers one? [laughs] I mean the guy knows what's important in life.

But seriously, fix 'em.

And do your damn work while you're at it. Can't run a city if you can't graduate uni, kiddo.

lawbringing

Y'know, I've been dumped for a lotta reasons. I'm too good with a gun, I come home covered in blood too often, I snapped his grandmother's neck after she called me 'Misha' for the third goddamn time... But I've never been dumped for video games. Gotta admit, kinda sucks you'd rather get your nerd rocks off to some post-apocolyptic scavenger bullshit than wreck shit with me.

It doesn't suck in that 'I'm gonna cry' way, but it makes my tender heart feel all mushy and sad... or something. I dunno, I'm mostly just fucking with you.

robolution

Mun! Great to see you! Y'know, I'm kinda surprised that few others play me, seeing as I'm now on the top three most popular character list - and I'm playable! And extremely attractive! I thought billions would be running to grab a piece of this fine tailpipe, but no! Just you!

If I sound pleased about that, it's only because this is my default tone of voice! I'm actually extremely depressed!

So, what now? Are we heading into the filthy, disgusting smut corner of the internet? Because that is highly relevant to my interests. I want hot chicks! Hot chicks with guns! Hot chicks with really low standards who won't call me a creepy little robot when I dry hump their leg! Maybe even hot chicks that'll let me touch their squishy lady boob parts. I like those.

Uh, what were we talking about, again? All I can think of are squishy lady boobs, and while that's not necessarily a bad thing to think about, it does mean that I have an antenna boner which will not go away until I find myself a hot chick. Go forth, minion, and procure me a hot chick! The hottest of the hot! Not literally, of course, because sweat is gross, but you get what I mean, right?

lawbringing

Well, isn't this cute? Barely finished the game and already begging for more, just the way I like it. Y'know I'm accustomed to a little more skin and a lot less clothes when someone's pleading for my attention, but in your case, I'll make an exception to the rule.

Speaking of rules, we really need to establish a few things here. Firstly, you cockblock me even one goddamn time, and I'm putting all my time, money and effort into finding a way to put a bullet through your skull. Second, you're not going to hold me back when it comes to my job. If bitches don't want stitches, they better keep their mouths shut and get on their knees.

That's it. See? I'm a pretty low maintenance girl, but don't let that stop you from getting all nervous - it's getting me kinda hot, honestly.

studentloans

Stop! Stop, stop, stop, noooo, that is bad, do not do that. Oh god, you're gonna get me sniped in the face! Take it down, there's still time, you can just slap a 'HANDSOME JACK' over the top of the name and we can all move on and not be, y'know, dead.

Christ, that fucking psychopath is already gonna mess up my face, I don't need to piss him off any further. Seriously. I don't.

He heard me say that, didn't he? He hears everything, y'know. For real, one time I mumbled something and he kicked me in the dick so hard I puked and cried and Nisha called me mean names and then they made out. It really sucked.

...Or did I dream that? Geez, I really need to stop working with these nutjobs. I can't even tell what's a awkwardly hot dream or real life anymore.

emoticonal

I have seen the porn/ Yes, I am that flexible/ No, I won't show you.

You mad?

handsomejack

We-he-hell. Look at you! Glad to see we're alive and kicking, buddy. Seriously. Really am. Been slipping into the dark drippy claws of madness waiting for your ass to have the chance to take a load off so I can stretch my legs, and you know... kill any assholes I haven't had the chance to kill yet . And it's the holidays too? Oh, you got some great timing there, pumpkin. Oughta give ya a medal or something.

A'hem. Anyway. Holidays. What is it- Thanksgiving? Gonna do an experiment here, in the spirit of this fun holiday.

[ He presents a cage with several turkeys inside]

Want to let these bad boys loose. Got your choice of gun here too, from Hyperion (naturally) but even some of those swanky E-Guns. First one to shoot and kill me a turkey once I set 'em loose gets a big wad of cash. Bonus points for cooking it too. Any takers?

uhno

No.

The good things about working for Jack:
money
money
money
steak
money
ROBOTS

Going anywhere else:
less money
less robots
smells funny
murder might be illegal
boring
boring
boring
bad steak

Don't even think about it. I will punch your face through your face.

Okay. Bye.

buttstallion

Soooo! You gonna get off your fatass and do something with me or what? Like. Seriously. I get the whole thing about wanting to finish that other game starring me, Handsome Jack first, but what's the point?

I mean, we all know how I turn out eventually!

A.K.A., I become Pandora's hero/savior, everybody loves me, yadda yadda. You know! The important parts.

Anyway. Yep. Get on that. Pretty sure this place could use a little sprucin' up with my general (brilliant, amazing, fantastic, etc.) existence anyway.

Dear Mun . . .

I think we have issues.

Entries tagged with canon: borderlands

voice test (crosspost to dear player)

RE: The Gearbox PAX announcements

i don't know what tf i'm doing

Looking for a game and some ANARCHY. Down for anything!

After a particularly rough game of Never Have I Ever at cosmographia

(+1) screaming robot friend▀

Voice test I guess

(no subject)

voice test! let's see how well this goes... (crossposted to D_P)

Whoops. This guy happened.

voicetesting // canon: tales from the borderlands

voicetest

mun took like a week off

(no subject)

ugh how is nisha so amazing?

voice testing our pal timothy

Voicetesting TFTBL!Zer0

Thanksgiving Message- Mun's on Vacation

i don't even know

considering the box forever

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