Handsome Jack (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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dear_mun2014-11-26 01:10 pm
handsomejack) wrote in dear_mun2014-11-26 01:10 pm
Entry tags:
Thanksgiving Message- Mun's on Vacation
We-he-hell. Look at you! Glad to see we're alive and kicking, buddy. Seriously. Really am. Been slipping into the dark drippy claws of madness waiting for your ass to have the chance to take a load off so I can stretch my legs, and you know... kill any assholes I haven't had the chance to kill yet . And it's the holidays too? Oh, you got some great timing there, pumpkin. Oughta give ya a medal or something.
A'hem. Anyway. Holidays. What is it- Thanksgiving? Gonna do an experiment here, in the spirit of this fun holiday.
[ He presents a cage with several turkeys inside]
Want to let these bad boys loose. Got your choice of gun here too, from Hyperion (naturally) but even some of those swanky E-Guns. First one to shoot and kill me a turkey once I set 'em loose gets a big wad of cash. Bonus points for cooking it too. Any takers?
A'hem. Anyway. Holidays. What is it- Thanksgiving? Gonna do an experiment here, in the spirit of this fun holiday.
[ He presents a cage with several turkeys inside]
Want to let these bad boys loose. Got your choice of gun here too, from Hyperion (naturally) but even some of those swanky E-Guns. First one to shoot and kill me a turkey once I set 'em loose gets a big wad of cash. Bonus points for cooking it too. Any takers?
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[turkeys disappear for a moment]
Let's say... with SMGs and laser weapons. Sounds fair.
[they reappear with bells and whistles]
Also, I'm expecting these to be cooked. For the homeless or something, I dunno. I hate Turkey.
Have fun, guy!
[the turkeys are released!]
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[ cybernetic schwarzenegger here doesn't look too worried about the pimped out turkeys. but then again he has a grand total of probably one facial expression.
anyway, he's zeroing in on a couple of the turkeys, auto-aiming his vengeance canon aaaaand promptly blowing up one of them. ]
Ah crap. Guess that's not gonna work.
[ literally obliterated into a bajillion turkey pieces. not gonna be salvageable. whoops. oh well. whipping out the old conference call now and methodically taking out turkeys left and right.
he takes some damage. possibly. but is too roided up on cyber-enhancements to notice/care.
ANYWAY.... ten minutes later. all the turkeys are dead. and wilhelm is standing amidst a sea of turkey corpses. ]
Uh. Problem boss. I don't fucking cook. Go ask Craptrap or something.
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Yeah. 'Cause I'm definitely going to trust that pile of scrap can get anything done right.
[He strokes his chin]
You're right though. We got a problem. I agreed to 2 mil for dead and cooked turkeys. Seeing as how you always manage to get a job done, guess you'll need to figure it out, buddy.
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but oh. right. jack has a lot of money and wilhelm actually kind of likes the guy as a human being. and is quite possibly the only person on pandora who likes jack as a person.
so.
okay he's over it. ]
Fine.
[ grabs a bunch of turkeys, stomps over to a bandit camp like 20 feet away, pulls out an incendiary rocket launcher and proceeds in torching the place. then he goes on and sets up a makeshift spit roast over some corpses. ]
There. Cooking.
[ cue: psycho busting out of one of the burning huts, screaming his head off. ]
No.
[ one more blast from that rocket launcher and... this time, there's bits of psycho everywhere. probably garnishing the turkey as well. ]
Hobos are gonna think you're a dick. Steak would be better. Just saying.
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Probably. But hey. Turkey Day means turkey. Anyone who says I'm not generous can just look at your shiny fat bank account.
[He wires the money to his favorite subordinate]
Betcha got your doctor on speed dial, this ought to buy you some nice new implants.
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[ oh. wait. yep. there's the alert. two million bucks richer.
and jack's pretty much reading his mind because really, what the fuck else was wilhelm gonna do with that money? ]
Time to finally get a pair of nipple rail guns.
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[He is already writing this idea down in his head. But then, he scratches it out. Blowing things up? Threatening people, mutilate babies?]
Actually, kinda sounds like every day of the week in Pandora.
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mm. fair point. ]
Uh.
Raid town. Conquer town. Feed citizens their own faces.
[ a beat. ]
Then post it on the internet.
Steak Day.
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Look, I know it's hard for you to even think of having a meal that doesn't involve human flesh here, but I think that's just called blood, kiddo. No cherries. But, uh, gold star for trying to think outside your very disgusting psycho box, you big flailing retard you.
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LET'S RIDE THE POOP TRAIN!!
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